Hi again Somi, Sometimes I think of myself as a genius, the new von Neumann, a better programmer than Casey and Blow combined. Too smart to mesure. Other times I hide my capacity to look dumber. Sometimes I want to mention something, but do not want others to know that I remember so I ask something in the general direction. "How late does the swimming lesson start again?" (even though I know it starts at half 5.) "Did you get a sufficient for that course?" (even though I know they got a 6.) Recently my mom said something to me while I was only half listening. I remembered it, but when she called I instinctively wanted to ask it again. Why? I know it, she already thinks I know it, why do I still want to ask it?

I am currently reading The Man from the Future and realized I don't need my physical bookmark, as I remember where I left off. But it somehow feels wrong to read it without. Like I am tyring to look smart, maybe pretentious. How? I just can remember and if forget I know what pages I did and did not yet read. Matter of fact I remember my last three stop pages. First at page 26 then page 52 and now I am at the first page of chapter 4 that starts about the atomic bomb. Why do I still need to use a bookmark?

On the other side I often am overconfidence, or no more like self-aggrandizing (even using this word makes me feel yuck as it seems overly smart to use). I speak as if I am super smart. Mostly with a close friend or special cases. I do believe I am smarter than average, no way at the top but maybe 5-10th percentile. Memory and motivation wise I am not sure I am above average. In every other aspect like looks, creativity, physicality, mentality, gaming (still can't believe I lost that 13-0 against my friend), musically, length :( I feel average or below. (My height must be average somewhere right???)

This is causing some trouble. Besides the obvious (self-)deception issues, it makes me experience two mentalities that don't mix well. On the one side I see myself as too smart to go the 'standard' route, opting to find my own solutions. On the other side I feel to inadequate to do certain see certain paths as realistic for me, such as doing a PhD or solving novel problems, even though an objectively my prior results and others around me would see find it realistic.

In short I will stop using bookmarks en stop over overestimate my capacities. Maybe the lesson here is overestimate more your capacity to perform certain actions, but decrease the amount words you spent on them on both yourself and others. See you soon Somi.